Point: Crock-pots are trash. 

Everybody owns a crock-pot (or two), but nobody’s ever bought one. The crock-pot is the most despicable appliance in culinary history. 

Just look at them, sitting there on the counter, slowly cooking your food, teasing you as they gently do their work. They take their sweet time, knowing they have you by the balls. When you break out the crock-pot, you admit defeat and say, “Good, I didn’t want to eat this until tomorrow, anyway,” and they know that. They exploit that —because that’s what assholes do. 

You can cook meats. You can make applesauce. You can whip up risotto.  

You can prepare steel-cut oats that are just to die for. No, seriously, you will probably die before they’re done. Twenty hours to eat a bland grain? That’s insanity. You’re insane if you make oats in a crock-pot. 

The thing that slays me with crock-pots above all, though, is the sheer laziness that goes into the cooking process. Here’s every crock-pot recipe: Insert food you want to eat next week. Add liquid. Turn knob. Go fuck yourself until it’s done. Eat. 

Where’s the fun in that? Where’s the “BAM!”? Where are the spices? Where are the open flames and the forgotten timers, the mad scrambles to pull something out of the oven while checking the grill — oh, shit, that steak is done — all while worrying about those guests silently asking, “Is it done yet?” 

That’s the cooking world I love. Sometimes you nail it, and other times you don’t. That’s the fun of it. “Easy” is rarely rewarding, and that little chuckling electric bastard on countertops nationwide perpetuates a society that favors ease over creativity and chaos. 

Efffff that.

Get your hands dirty. Burn yourself. Ruin a $30 steak. You’ll remember that more than your latest fall-apart crock-pot pork-shoulder-and-sauerkraut meal that fed you for a week. 

Even the greatest food ever to grace this earth, buffalo chicken dip, should never see a crock-pot. B-dip could be cooked over the open flames of hell, and the result would still be sacred. But keep it away from a crock-pot, you heathen. Your oven works just fine.  

The next time you think about preparing a crock-pot meal, slap yourself and use the oven, grill, smoker, or stovetop instead. What is wrong with you? 

Counterpoint: Crock-pot meals are delicious. 

Winner:  Counterpoint.